The Affair Recovery Process

Recovering from an affair can be very traumatic for both people. It is a very difficult life event to manage as so much pain and loss is involved. Here are some tips that may help a couple looking to save relationship after an affair was discovered.

#1 It is important to be willing to answer questions and show your partner patience as they process feelings.

Know that the betrayed partner is asking because they are in pain. The questions about the affair may bring outbursts of emotions as details are disclosed. This can be very taxing on both parties. This part of the recovery can actually take several months. During this time, it is important to know that many of the same questions will be repeated as your partner tries to make sense of things. Questions will eventually lessen to the point where there are no more questions. But this part of the recovery can be long and difficult. Therapy for both parties is recommended during this process. Individual and couples therapy can help both parties have a place to vent and process feelings as they come up. This is important for healing.

#2 Another important tip in the recovery process is that disclosure must come without defensiveness and with empathy.

This is the time to take full responsibility for the actions of the affair without making any excuses whatsoever. It is a time to be truly remorseful and have great patience while deep wounds heal slowly. This could also mean disclosure of passwords, whereabouts and access to email and phones without questions. This is a way to show nothing is being hidden. This may feel like an invasion of privacy and it is necessary until the healing process is complete.

#3 For recovery to work, the affair must be absolutely over.

Even with therapy, the relationship cannot be salvaged if one partner is in a different relationship all together. All ties must be ceased before true recovery work can begin. If the affair were to continue, in my experience, any relationship is very unlikely to succeed.

#4 Next, there must be an understanding between both parties about what led up to the affair to begin with.

If they were problems in the marriage that led to the affair, it is important to acknowledge and address those problems. Both individual therapy and couples therapy could be very beneficial to identify reasons that led up to the affair. It can also help with coming up with solutions that may not be clear to both parties due to severe heartbreak.

#5 Lastly, the betrayed partner must be willing to work on the marriage with ultimate goal being forgiveness which comes from time and effort on both sides.

The betrayed partner will often feel a reaction of not wanting to accept their partners apologies. But in doing so, it only prolongs healing. Part of the difficult work that the betrayed partner will need to do to work on the marriage is to explore and process all of their feelings surrounding the affair. This is extremely difficult. Many of these feelings will include rage, fear, shock, sadness and distrust.

Many betrayed partners have such severe symptoms that they could have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Symptoms could include:

Looping intrusive thoughts.

Feeling helpless.

Feeling vulnerable.

Feeling confused or disoriented.

Lack of ability to regulate emotions.

Feeling hyper alert.

Extreme lack of trust.

Going from feelings of being numb to anger.

Problems with memory.

Counseling is highly recommended during this life changing event. Recovery is possible and it’s a long road that needs lots of support and patience. Disclosing details about the affair to your partner can be very difficult to do. Seeing your partner in that much pain because of actions you took can feel overwhelming. The guilt can make you feel as if you are paralyzed to say anything about the affair. Even knowing that it could be helpful in the long run for your partner, actually speaking the truth could feel impossible. It may even be that you do not know the reasons behind your cheating as clearly as your partner wants you to know. You may feel afraid to make any decisions because you are filled with uncertainties on what the correct decisions are. You may fear of losing the relationship you had with your children due to the infidelity. You may feel remorseful and embarrassed of some of your actions. You might feel alone because who would show sympathy to a cheater. The betrayal of infidelity hurts many people including you. You too deserve support.

How Can Therapy Help with Infidelity

Therapy can help you overcome the obstacles you will face. Therapy can help you figure out the backstory that led to the affair. Therapy can also help you with moving through guilt and shame. You will learn to identify many reasons behind your actions instead of possibly repeating the same cycle. You will learn what your needs are and how to get them met. You will learn to trust your future decisions in a confidential place without judgement.

Life After Affair Recovery

Healing is important so you can finally live a life of calmness and joy, not a life with constant conflict, secrecy and regret. Imagine being able to get a full nights rest without the internal struggle of regrets and uncertainties. The incredible bliss of not having a headache because of endless negative thoughts and instead feeling a sense of peace. It’s time to feel that sense of normalcy and lightness again. Your life is meant to be serene and fulfilling. Let’s get you back to feeling better. Contact me today for a free consultation and let’s start healing your broken heart.