5 Reasons to Disclose Affair Details
They want to know all the details around the Affair. It seems like the questions never end. Why do they want to know the details? They know the affair happened. Isn’t that enough? The specifics will only make them feel worse. And you don’t want to disclose all of the things that occurred. You are feeling very embarrassed and ashamed of many of your actions. You want to take the secrets with you to your grave as you do not believe they will be helpful in repairing the relationship.
Are these some of the thoughts that you had after an affair was discovered?
I am a therapist who specializes in working with individuals whom have had an affair. In my experience, the discovery of an affair can be very traumatic for both people. If your goal is to try to save the marriage or the relationship, disclosing certain details and answering questions is important.
Here are 5 reasons disclosing affair details to your partner can be beneficial to the survival of your relationship.
#1 The truth could possibly be less hurtful than their imagination.
When your partner does not know what happened in the affair, their mind constantly makes up different scenarios of what they think might have happened. These scenarios could be much more severe and intense than the reality. These thoughts will keep replaying until the full truth is disclosed. This will create many hurtful and painful stories in their mind that are possibly untrue. It is like a nightmare in their head that doesn’t stop. You can stop it by disclosing the truth.
#2 Letting your partner have answers to questions they have will allow trust to rebuild.
Many betrayed partners have actually stated that the lying and secret keeping was more harmful than the actual affairs. In my experience, many have disclosed that the gas lighting that can take place during the secret keeping is very harmful. It makes them feel as if they are going crazy as they doubt their own intuition. Intuition is what has kept them safe in unsafe situations in the past. Doubting themselves for so long and seeing how easily the betrayer can lie to their face over and over is gut wrenching and traumatic. If they get partial truths or you continue to keep secrets, this is a sign to your partner that you still cannot be trusted.
How are they supposed to trust you if you cannot be honest?
And honesty means full transparency, not partial truths. As much pain as it will cause your partner to hear, hearing what actually happened will mean that you are making an effort to be honest from this point forward. That is a foundation that is needed to rebuild the relationship strength again.
#3 Helping your partner understand why things happened will answer questions on if the infidelity could be avoided in the future.
Your partner is going to want to know why the affair happened. They will want to try to make sense of it in order to see what could have been done for it to have been avoided. This will then map out a plan for them on how it can be avoided in the future. Without this, they will feel as if the affair will repeat itself as there are no plans in place to prevent it from happening again.
#4 Helping your partner understand some of the motives behind the infidelity will help your partner understand that it was not their fault that you cheated.
Many betrayed partners will feel as if they did something wrong in the marriage or relationship that caused you to cheat. They will ask themselves if they were attractive enough or what that other person had that they did not. They will compare themselves with the other person and will wonder if they are less than in different ways. Understanding the reason that brought you to cheating could be very beneficial for your partner in seeing that it had nothing to do with the person that they are.
There are many underlying reasons an affair can take place.
Some reasons could be things such as:
Struggling through a midlife crisis
Having a major event in your life happen such as a death
The loss of a career
The feeling of wanting to try something taboo
Feeling unloved in the current relationship
The feeling of time being limited
Sex being offered to you, many times by someone unattractive to you, believing that no one would ever find out.
#5 You may have nothing more to lose.
If the affair was already discovered, they already know you cheated. It might already be too late to work things out with some relationships. By disclosing details, you can help them get closure and move on if the relationship is already lost. If the relationship is not lost, letting them know the details will help them heal in order to start rebuilding their relationship with you. This way, they will feel they have all the information to make a decision on if they can mend things with you or not. The sense of control can feel empowering for them in the situation where they may feel helpless.
While letting your partner know the details of your affair can be helpful, some information is recommended to not be shared.
Some of these things would include details of specific sexual acts. Details of that nature may only cause further pain and not help with repairing the relationship.
However, there are many things that can be answered. Questions could include:
If the affair is over.
If you still have contact with the person you had the affair with.
How you felt during the affair.
What actions led up to the affair.
Information on when affair encounters took place.
How you felt about the affair partner.
Reasons behind choosing this affair partner.
How you felt after the affair was over.
Read Article - 5 Tips to Heal from an Affair
Life After Affair Recovery
Healing is important so you can finally live a life of calmness and joy, not a life with constant conflict, secrecy and regret. If you had an affair and would like to seek counseling, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help. An affair is a moment in time and it does not define you as a person. And affair does not erase all of the good in you.
